Sunday, March 25, 2012

Largest List Of Funny Jokes in the World -Top 1000 Funny Jokes


Top Funny Jokes from the world in all the categories
 
FUNNY JOKES

After getting millions of visitors on our latest post on 
Funny Girls Underwear Pictures, today Funny Jokes Funny is posting Top 1000 Funny Jokes all the time in history. This is the largest collection of funny jokes that you have never seen anywhere in the world on a single post or on a single website.

List start from here. Book mark the page & enjoy the Jokes with your friends on facebook.


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Songwriter Robert B. Sherman, who gave us 'It's A Small World ', has died at the age of 86. His family said they would have to limit the number of guests attending his funeral. It's a small church, after all. It's a small church, after all. It's a small church, after all. It's a small, small church. (Tim Hunter)

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Another quote from a wacky liberal on the GOP primaries: "It's been I think, the worst campaign I've ever seen in my life. I hate it. I hate the fact that people think 'compromise' is a dirty word." (Former First Lady Barbara Bush)
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According to urbandictionary.com 'a slut' is anyone who won't sleep with Rush Limbaugh. (Bill Williams)
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Last night Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican race in Ohio by 1 percent. Then Romney said, "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1 percent. (Conan O'Brien)
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Now Catholics say that fornication, if you will, sex outside of marriage, is a sin. This woman is saying "I'm going to be committing sin but I want you to pay for my sin." Yeah, I guess I can see the church's point about spending money. Especially since they are still paying off cases involving their priests. (Pat Robinson)
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If some of the New Orleans Saints had rebelled against the pay for defense system would it have been considered Mutiny on the Bounties? (Janice Hough)

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The approval rating for Congress continues to be at 10%. O.J. Simpson is more popular than Congress. But at least O. J. was good at something. Football, that is. I didn't mean he was good at getting away with murder because Congress does that all the time too. (Steve Yeich)
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In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's created a lot of jobs in India. (Jay Leno)
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To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don't like: Welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me! (Jon Stewart)
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Republican Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as "Joe the Plumber" will face Democrat Rep. Marcy Kaptur in the 9th Ninth District in Ohio. Remembering the Nixon Watergate scandal, do we really need another Plumber in Washington? (Stan Kegel)
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Mitt Romney has a secret service detail but they can't figure out how to protect Mitt from himself. Newt Gingrich now has secret service protection.  One agent for Newt and one for his Tiffany account. Rick Santorum, who doesn't believe in protection, uses the Secret Service Rhythm Method (Wendel Potter)
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California college students converged on the state capitol to protest the high cost of college tuition. There was some confusion when students thought the California state capitol was 'C'. (Jerry Perisho)
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In the new Three Stooges movie, SI swimsuit cover model Kate Upton plays a nun. What's next? Randy Moss being a Saint? (RJ Currie)
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Republican candidates brace for Super Tuesday. Why wouldn’t a President Santorum throw out the first pitch on opening day? He heard the mound had a rubber. (Alan Ray)
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Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. She then said, "If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur." (Craig Ferguson)
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An Oregon girl was hospitalized after eating 37 magnets. Apparently all she wanted was to be attractive. Now she has been diagnosed as Bipolar. (Jim Barach)
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A 55 year-old grandmother wants to try out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. If she makes it her job will be to say to the other cheerleaders, "Don't you think that outfit is a little too revealing?" (Steve Yeich)
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The world's oldest horse is believed to be a 51-year-old named Shayne. The world's oldest jackass is a 61-year-old named Rush. (Gary Bachman)
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Tim Tebow signed with the William Morris Agency last week in Hollywood. This week he turned down an offer to be on The Bachelor on ABC this fall and he also turned down Dancing with the Stars. It is a show business tradition that once you sign with William Morris you never work again. (Argus Hamilton)
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EQUAL RIGHTS

Stacey Newman, a Missouri House member who's frustrated with all the recent debates over birth control and abortions, has proposed legislation to allow vasectomies only when necessary to protect a man from serious injury or death. (Janice Hough)

Virginia State Senator Janet Howell, introduced an amendment to a mandatory ultrasound bill that would require men to have a rectal exam before being prescribed Viagra. (Janice Hough)

The council for Delaware's largest city passed a resolution by an 8-4 vote Thursday calling on the Delaware legislature, other state legislatures and the U.S. Congress to pass laws granting "personhood" rights to eggs and sperm. Such laws should include laws forbidding every man from destroying his semen. "What's good for the gander is good for the goose," said Wilmington City Councilwoman Loretta Walsh. (Luke Johnson)

As the Virginia legislature considered a bill requiring women to undergo mandatory ultrasounds before abortions, state Sen. Janet Howell put forth an amendment mandating that men get a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test prior to being treated for erectile dysfunction. (Luke Johnson)

Georgia state Rep. Yasmin Neal introduced a bill vastly limiting vasectomies for men as a protest against an abortion bill in her state. (Luke Johnson)

Sen. Constance Johnson, a Democratic state senator from Oklahoma, introduced (and later withdrew an amendment) to a "personhood" bill that would have given zygotes the same rights as adults. Any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman's vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child, read the amendment. (Luke Johnson)

Paula Deen has been accused of condoning sexual harassment and racist remarks. She figured a lot of the food she was pushing on others was so sweet that she didn't have to be. (Steve Yeich)

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MATT ROMNEY

Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole. (Craig Ferguson)

Mitt Romney leaped to a sixteen-point lead over Rick Santorum in Friday's national Gallup Poll. However, he needs to be more sensitive about high gasoline prices. Last night Mitt Romney said although he doesn't drive, he has friends who own oil companies. (Argus Hamilton)

Mitt Romney's been out on the campaign trail even though he's suffering from a terrible cold. I'm not surprised he's sick. It's very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that. It didn't help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills. (Craig Ferguson)

No matter what happens, Barack Obama's boosters in the NFM portray it as a debilitating blow to Romney. On Nov. 7, The New York Times' headline will be: ROMNEY EKES OUT NARROW ELECTORAL VICTORY, LEAVING RACE UNCERTAIN. (Ann Coulter)

Mitt Romney won more than twice as many delegates on Super Tuesday as Newt Gingrich or Rick Santorum. The Non-Fox Media's take-away is that Romney suffered a major setback Tuesday night.  (Ann Coulter)

I think Romney's a good man but he just doesn't inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: "I guess you're stuck with me. (Jay Leno)

This week in Ohio, Mitt Romney has been trying to present himself as a blue-collar candidate. Unfortunately it doesn't help that his opening line is 'Hello, my fellow peasants. (Conan O'Brien)

In January, Mitt Romney said the minimum wage should be indexed to rise automatically with inflation. Today he said while "inflation is something you should look at, you should "keep America competitive. So right now there's probably not a need to raise the minimum wage." Stay tuned after November, when both Mitt and John Kerry jointly invest in Waffle House. (Janice Hough)

Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he's trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it's easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head. (Conan O'Brien)

Mitt Romney leaped to a sixteen-point lead over Rick Santorum in Friday's national Gallup Poll. However, he needs to be more sensitive about high gasoline prices. Last night Mitt Romney said although he doesn't drive, he has friends who own oil companies. (Argus Hamilton)

According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being totally freaked out by Rick Santorum. (Conan O'Brien)

Facing a distinct lack of enthusiasm, Mitt Romney's campaign is falling back on the argument that Mitt holds a commanding lead in the state-by-state delegate math. And Rick Santorum's response? "Math? More proof that Romney is a liberal who can't be trusted." (Janice Hough)

Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he's trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it's easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head. (Conan O'Brien)

Mitt Romney won 6 states on Super Tuesday. High gas prices are forcing Ann to downsize to 2 Cadillac Escalade Hybrids." (Alan Ray)

At a campaign rally, Mitt Romney introduced his wife, Ann, as the heavyweight champion of his life. Upon which Ann introduced Mitt to the couch as the place where he will sleep. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ann Romney said in a Fox News interview "I don’t even consider myself wealthy." What's her definition of wealthy? When you can no longer remember how many houses you have? (Janice Hough)

Ann Romney says she doesn’t consider herself wealthy. Apparently she is waiting for her husband to be elected President and eliminate all taxes for the rich. Then she will feel wealthy. (Jim Barach).
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RICK SANTORUM

Rick Santorum told NBC Sunday too many young people go to college. He believes that college turns kids into liberals and church drop-outs. Actually it's the beer that does that but after they graduate the Scotch turns them back into God-fearing Republicans. (Argus Hamilton)

Rick Santorum says the President is a snob for wanting to send kids to college. The theory being, the dumber they are, the more likely they'll vote Republican. (Will Durst)

Rick Santorum slipped the knockout punch! 'Knockout punch', by the way, is what Rush Limbaugh slips his dates. (Stephen Colbert) 

Rick Santorum is so anti-gay that his secret service code name is "say no to TSA groping."  (Steve Yeich) 
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THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARIES

With Super Tuesday coming up... there is not much time left until all conservatives are obliged to bury our feelings and find Mitt Romney attractive. (Stephen Colbert)

It's like the Super Bowl of politics -- if the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself. (Stephen Colbert)

Ten states had their big primaries. Everyone says the big money's on Mitt Romney. I mean literally. He's so rich that money oozes from his pores. (Craig Ferguson)

Republicans are seeing low turnouts at the primaries which is attributed to voter fatigue. Apparently it is just getting boring listening to which candidate is going to do more for the wealthy. (Jim Barach)

Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole. (Craig Ferguson)

Newt Gingrich won the Georgia primary Tuesday, scoring well with all campaign focus groups. The only voter group he lost was the voters who are looking for the man with the highest moral character. As always, they wrote in Jesus. (Argus Hamilton)

At the beginning of Gingrich's celebratory speech Calista took the podium and introduced Newt. It kinda went like this, "It is good to be back in Georgia. It brings back all kinds of fond memories. Why, back when Newt was married to Marianne he and I regularly used to knock off a piece of ass right here in this very hotel. Now, let me introduce Newt, who is going to lecture you on family values!" (Gil Ross)

I'm not voting for Ron Paul, but if he decides to retire from Congress, and host an honest talk show, I'll watch any time. (Janice Hough)

As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul will get a can of mace  (Conan O'Brien)
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RUSH LIMBOUGH

Rush Limbaugh has now apologized for calling Sandra Fluke a "slut." Saying "I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke." Uh, if Rush doesn't think "slut" is a personal attack, starting to understand why his marriages have lasted as long as Mitt Romney's positions. (Janice Hough)

On Rush Limbaugh's apology to Sandra Fluke for calling her a 'slut': He's doing it because some people were taking their advertisements off of his program. It was his bottom line he was concerned about. I don't think he's very apologetic. It's in his best interest, that's why he did it. (Ron Paul)

Good point, Rush. She's a slut and a prostitute? That's two jobs and she still can't afford her own birth control? Come on. (Stephen Colbert)

Michelle Bachmann claims the outrage over Rush Limbaugh's comments is hypocritical and just because he is a conservative. Well, liberals may be overly gleeful about the controversy, but imagine the reaction if Jon Stewart referred to a prominent GOP woman or her daughter as a "slut." (Janice Hough)

The only good news for Mr. Limbaugh today came from GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who offered this muted statement of support: "Look, I wouldn't have chosen the words he did. But it's not like he called her a poor person or something." (Andy Borowitz)

Several GOP candidates have come out with very soft criticism of Rush Limbaugh's "slut" comment. It was depressing because what it indicates is that the Republican leaders are afraid of him. They want to bomb Iran, but they're afraid of Rush Limbaugh. (George Will)

'Sleep Train' has dropped their advertising on Rush Limbaugh's show after his "slut" comments about a college student who wanted to testify on birth control insurance. A bizarre sidelight is that Rush, on his fourth marriage, at least one that started with an affair while he was married, would dare call anyone a slut. (Janice Hough)

Rush Limbaugh lost 'Legal Zoom' as a show sponsor Tuesday in his contraception flap with Democrats. It's owned by L. A. attorney Robert Shapiro. You know it's not your day when the lawyer who got O. J. Simpson acquitted thinks you've been too disrespectful of women. (Argus Hamilton)

Rush Limbaugh finally got his big mouth going and probably didn't stop in time to avoid losing his job. Now he stand to face a major law suit that will probably cost him a bunch of money, and a career. With no one willing to pay for advertising it will be hard to keep him on the air But Limbaugh told listeners that pressure from advertisers did not lead to his apology. Oh yes Rush, I believe that one for sure. Looks like he'll go the same way as 'Imus In The Morning'. Maybe gone fishing. (Solina)

Embattled radio host Rush Limbaugh suffered another major desertion today as he lost the support of one of his longtime sponsors, Satan. "Due to remarks of his that we consider unacceptable, we are terminating our relationship with Rush Limbaugh," Satan said in a tersely worded statement. According to one advisor to the Lord of Misrule, Satan had stuck by the radio host as long as possible but after a certain point, the association with Rush became problematic for Satan's public image, an aide said. "We went through a similar thing last year with Rupert Murdoch." (Andy Borowitz)

AOL has now become the 8th advertiser to drop Rush Limbaugh. They would have done it sooner, but their executives who download AOL to keep up on the news just found out about the scandal. (Janice Hough)

The bomb squad was called after a suspcious package arrived at the home of Rush Limbaugh. Rush knew the package was suspicious when he didn't recognize it as oxycontin or twinkies. (Gary Bachman)
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PRESIDENT OBAMA

The latest polls show President Obama's approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama's new campaign slogan: "Tell me about your day." (Conan O'Brien)

President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected. (Alex Schubert)

President Obama told a crowd of auto workers that in 5 years when he is no longer president that he is going to buy a Chevy Volt. There was no hint on what he might be driving in the prior 4 years when he's not president. (Steve Yeich)

In several of the Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. These are the same people who think Super Tuesday is Superman's birthday. (Conan O'Brien)

Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It's pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is. (Jimmy Fallon)

I saw a headline that said "Obama Granted $2.6 Billion to Four Wind Energy Firms." I wondered if that was code for having granted the money to political PACS because nowhere is there more hot air produced than by politicians. (Steve Yeich)

In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn't want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November. (Jay Leno)
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THE CONGRESS

March is National Ethics Awareness Month. Surprisingly, Congress is still open during that time period. I assume that is because they have no awareness of ethics. (Steve Yeich)
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THE STATES

A cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. It's official campaign slogan: "Put me in office and feed me"(Tim Hunter)

It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you. (Jay Leno)
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LOCAL NEWS

A 69-year-old Michigan woman claims a 25-pound wild turkey has been attacking her in her yard. Police suspect fowl play. (RJ Currie)

A Nebraska woman sold a McNugget resembling George Washington for $8,100 on eBay. That ain't chicken feed. (RJ Currie)

A 26 year old Florida teacher was arrested and charged with "unlawful sexual activity" with a minor after a 16 year old boy told police they were in love and had had sex in her car. Records showed that the pair had traded more than 12,000 text messages in 4 months. On the bright side, sounds like the kid definitely has learned how to read and write. (Janice Hough)

A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he's not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama. (Conan O'Brien) 

An Albuquerque man registered his dog to vote at a New Mexico University polling station. The word spread fast. Within a week the white dogs and black dogs were fighting over the water fountains in the dog park and the Chihuahuas were getting towed away for no tags. (Argus Hamilton)


THE ECONOMY


A poll says that gas will have to hit $5.30 a gallon before people need to make cuts in other parts of their spending. To which oil companies immediately raised the price of gas to $5.29 a gallon. (Jim Barach)


A poll says that 77% of voters say that gas prices will be the most important factor in the presidential election. Which is good since it’s about the only issue most the candidates seem to know anything about. (Jim Barach)

Gasoline prices have increased so drastically, several Los Angeles gas stations are seriously considering adding armed guards at their pumps. (Bob Mills)

Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox. (Craig Ferguson)

Police officers say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing gas from parked cars. Victims said they hadn't felt that robbed since they put the gas into their car. (Jimmy Fallon)

The stock market recovery has increased the net worth of Americans by 2.1%. Which means they now have 2.1% of what they had before the market crashed. (Jim Barach)

Accoding to figures released by the World Monetary Fund, Brazil has passed Great Britain as the world's sixth-largest economy. How fleeting is fame? As soon as the shocking news was announced, Madame Tussuad replaced the statue of Mary Poppins with Carmen Miranda. (Bob Mills)
 
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BUSINESS & LABOR

Apple unveiled the new iPad today. The new iPad apparently has only modest improvements over previous models — which of course means I will trample over my own mother to get one. (Conan O'Brien)

I'm excited about the new iPad. But then I'm excited about anything that is not the Republican primaries. (Craig Ferguson)

I-Pads are revolutionizing the restaurant business whose waiters rely more and more on them to take orders. Now a waiter can press a picture of the item ordered and the kitchen receives it instantly. Waiters needn't be actors anymore. Idiots can do it. (Bob Mills)

Coca Cola is adjusting its caramel color. Because 4-MEI, part of the current formula is on a California list of additives that will soon require a cancer warning label. So this is good news for all the health-food fans who guzzle Coke. (Janice Hough)

I saw another headline that said "Chupacabras With Wings and Fangs Blamed for Sheep Deaths." I don't know what chupacabras are, but it sounds like a menu item at Taco Bell and it that's the case they could be responsible for deaths all over the U. S. (Steve Yeich)

An FDA report says some skin care products are tainted with mercury. Marketing folks at Estee Lauder are trying to spin it positive. "That’s not a rash. It’s our newest shade of blush." (Alan Ray)
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TRANSPORTATION

On the first day after the United-Continental merger was finalized, reportedly 16% of United flights were on time Saturday from O'Hare airport. Normally when people are this frustrated in Chicago, the Cubs are involved. (Janice Hough)

Two plus hour delays to reach the new United Airlines by phone Sunday. The airline message says "If you're not flying in the next 72 hours, please call back later. If you are flying in the next 72 hours, you're SOL." Or with luck have a book or game that's not attached to your phone. (Janice Hough)

Not that I am always a fan of government, but for those who say the private sector always does it better, I give you, United Airlines. Four days after the merger with Continental their most preferred client phone lines still have 2-3 hour delays. Not that air travel is ever time sensitive. (Janice Hough)

You can't make this stuff up - United-Continental merger division: "If you have forgotten your PIN, you will need to change it to proceed. Please complete the following information to change your MileagePlus PIN." And you start by entering the CURRENT PIN. (Yes, the one you've forgotten.) (Janice Hough)

On the first day of the United-Continental merger, reportedly 16% of United flights were on-time from O’Hare airport. Normally when people are this frustrated in Chicago, the Cubs are involved. (Janice Hough)

Bentley debuted their new EXP 9F SUV at the Geneva Motor Show. Fitted with a 6.0 liter twin turbo-charged W12 engine and 8 speed transmission, the 600 horsepower monster will price out at about $160,000.  It's guaranteed by Bentley Motors to stand up to any 5-star restaurant parking lot on earth. (Bob Mills)

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed. (Jay Leno)
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CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A Philadelphia man who has been using a cell phone jammer to interrupt conversations on city buses has apparently put the device away after learning he could face fines and jail time. But they're lining up to offer him a job in movie theaters. (Janice Hough)

Federal agents have seized $325 million in fake Ugg, Gucci, and Coach goods. An APB has been issued for some of the suspects. They’re considered armed and extremely gaudy. (Alan Ray)

McAllen, Texas has been picked as the nation’s fattest city, with 38.8% of its residents obese. It’s getting so bad, they are thinking of changing the name from McAllen to McDonald’s. (Jim Barach)
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CIVIL RIGHTS

Not a good time to be a white supremacist in the U.S. We've got a black president, an Asian-American basketball star, and a Filipino-Mexican-American (Jessica Sanchez) has got to be the front-runner on American Idol. (Janice Hough)
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CANADA

Next month is the premiere of the new show, "The Real Housewives of Vancouver." You can tell it's Canada -- the housewives say nice things to each other's faces, but then they go behind each other's backs and say even nicer things. (Jimmy Fallon)
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GREAT BRITAIN

Queen Elizabeth went to London department store and had tea with Camilla and Kate. It's nice to know you can still have a tea party that doesn't include an Obama poster with a Hitler moustache. (Frank King

Queen Elizabeth II will open the 2012 Olympic Games in London. Meanwhile, Camilla Parker Bowles will open the equestrian events with Charles riding her over the ceremonial first jump. (Jim Barach)

A London Daily Mail poll says that one-third of young women in Britain would swap their high IQs for larger breasts. Britain's health care plan doesn't cover boob jobs. Fake breasts are only covered if you move to California and get diagnosed as lactose intolerant. (Argus Hamilton)
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EUROPE

Vladimir Putin has won election as Russia’s next president. He was considered a long shot candidate. It you didn’t vote for him, he could assassinate you from a great distance. (Alan Ray)

Vladimir Putin won re-election as Russia's president. There are accusations of election tampering, especially since the election isn't for another week. (Tim Hunter)

Vladimir Putin has again won the presidential election in Russia. According to exit polls, he won over the voters by promising he'd ban partial birth interrogations and provide free morning-after pills to co-eds at the University of Minsk. (Bob Mills)

Vladimir Putin was elected President in Russia with 63.8% of the vote, no surprise. He gave a speech thanking the country for that 63.8% of the vote, no surprise. His thank you speech for that 63.8% vote was dated a week before the election. Surprise! (Jerry W.)

Alleged voter fraud has marred Vladimir Putin's presidential victory in Russia. Everything was fine into the returns came in from Miami-Dade County. (Jerry Perisho)

Evidently, voters really responded to his campaign slogan: 'Putin 2012 -- Or He'll Shoot Your Family. (Stephen Colbert)

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has said there are too many foreigners in France and that if he's re-elected, he'll cut immigration quotas by half. So much for the "the poor, the tired, and the huddled masses" immortalized on that statue they gave us. (Bob Mills)

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THE FAR EAST

North Korea's leader agreed to give up his nuclear weapons in exchange for American food to feed their people. North Koreans do not want to die in a nuclear holocaust, they want to die of an obesity epidemic. (Argus Hamilton)

It's being reported that Dunkin' Doughnuts in China is adding pork doughnuts to the menu. For God's sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything? (Conan O'Brien)

Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. We should try this on Rush Limbaugh. (Jay Leno)

A Japanese firm has begun marketing a laser gun that when fired at someone can electronically disrupt their speech pattern, effectively silencing them. Should be a lucrative U.S. market for the device. In fact, three of Rush Limbaugh's sponsors have already ordered one. (Bob Mills)

Japanese scientists claim to have invented a device called the SpeechJammer that effectively mutes people who speak too loudly or talk too much. There goes Don Cherry as a spokesperson. (RJ Currie)

A Sri Lankan man died while trying to set the record for being buried alive. Now, no one knows if he set the record and he's not around to celebrate if he did. (Steve Yeich)
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SCIENCE

Scientists are saying a giant asteroid is on a collision course with earth for next February. I guess our only option is to start cheering for the Mayans and their prediction for this December. (Tim Hunter)
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HEALTH

The Surgeon General says teen smoking has become an epidemic, with one in four high schoolers smoking regularly. The other three just like to light up after having sex with their teacher. (Jim Barach)

Researchers say kids continue to consume too much sugar. It could be their notion of nutrition. A balanced diet is considered all the colors in Skittles. (Alan Ray)

U.S. regulators say that Coke and Pepsi do not cause cancer, contrary to what a watchdog group is claiming. The regulators say it just makes you fat, causes your teeth to rot and then you become diabetic. (Jim Barach)

McAllen, Texas has been picked as the nation’s fattest city, with 38.8% of its residents obese. It’s getting so bad, they are thinking of changing the name from McAllen to McDonald’s. (Jim Barach)
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WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

A study says that global warming skepticism has increased because of the bad economy. But mostly because more people are watching Fox News. (Jim Barach)

The Weather Channel said tornados hit the South and Midwest Friday but residents were prepared and took shelter. At least Southerners and Midwesterners know how to react to weather. Last week it hailed in Malibu and everybody thought it was raining crack. (Argus Hamilton)
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SPORTS

The NFL bounties are dominating the sports pages right now. This is a more serious crime than the PED users. They get suspended for doing dope, let's suspend them for being dopes. (Mike Lupica)

The New Orleans Saints admitted to keeping a bounty pool to pay their players when they injured an opponent with a hard hit. It's done in politics too. Last week a player at Georgetown got free contraception after she suckered Rush Limbaugh into jumping offside. (Argus Hamilton)

The MLB postseason will be expanded with 2 additional teams. The Chicago Cubs question the move. "What’s the postseason?" (Alan Ray)

We hear about the Cubs not appearing in a World Series for 67 years, or won in 103 years, but did you know that the Kansas City Royals haven't made it into the playoffs in 26 years? That's a long time for fans to have to sit on their hands. (Chad Pisasner)

Yankees look to cut payroll all the way down to $189 million by 2014. And they say the 1% aren't suffering. (Fark)

The Yankees have indicated they will cut payroll from $210 million to $187 million by 2014. This is like Mitt Romney saying his wife won't always have the latest model Cadillacs. (Janice Hough)

Red Sox have just banned beer from the clubhouse. Fans may notice this year Boston's position players & starting pitchers making frequent visits out to the bullpen. (TC in BC)

Major League Baseball has begun its exhibition season. Who is the one guy who usually leads the entire league in stealing? The man selling $9 beers. (Alan Ray)

Los Angeles Lakers lost to the Washington Wizards after leading by 20
points in 3rd quarter. And here Kobe says he has no rival. I don't know, tonight he did a pretty good LeBron James impersonation. (Janice Hough)

If they had added the two playoff teams last year, then the Red Sox and Braves wouldn't have 'collapsed,' and they might still be drinking beer in the Boston clubhouse. (Len Berman)

"Trevor Gooby, the Pirates' director of Florida operations, helped a woman deliver a baby last week at the team's spring-training facility in Bradenton, Fla. The grateful mother vowed her son would remain a Pittsburgh fan until he's old enough to get an allowance, but then he'll switch to the Yankees. (Dwight Perry)

NFL league image may be suffering from "Bountygate." On other hand, odds of Peyton Manning suffering a career ending injury in 2012 from a hard hit have probably just gone down considerably. (Janice Hough)

The U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever. America hasn't embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened. (Conan O'Brien)

A law-and-order soccer referee ejected midfielder Julien Lecomte for faking a dive in a Belgian amateur soccer league game, the London Sun reported. Just one problem. A trip to the hospital revealed that Lecomte, who got his second yellow card of the game as he was being hauled away on a gurney, had a concussion and three compressed vertebrae, courtesy of an opponent's elbow. (Dwight Perry)

The feds are investigating the Auburn’s mens’ basketball team for alleged point shaving. Shocking. An investigation into the SEC and football is not involved? (Janice Hough)

Scott Boras' latest rant is that the Mets ownership should sell the team because they are not spending enough money on players. Boras feels that since they are a 'big market team,' they should be signing high-priced free agents in order to "provide their fans with the type of team they deserve." Not to mention his commissions.  (Chad Pisasner)

Mark Cuban dropped his bid to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. He realized that even though he's a billionaire, Tommy LaSorda's pregame meals would bankrupt him. (Brad Dickson)

A new study says high-performance engine sounds sexually arouse 99 per cent of women while revving an economy car turns them off. In a related story, I sold my Toyota Echo. (RJ Currie)
The NCAA tournament selection show is Sunday. A superstar freshman learns very quickly it’s a team game. To be successful, you’ve got to have a manager and an agent. (Alan Ray) 

In college hoops, Harvard has qualified for March Madness. Or as Harvard calls March Madness, Spring-induced competitive-related temporary psychosis. (Alex Kaseberg) 

Harvard makes NCAA Tournament. Needs work on trash talk: "Your Matriarch is so corpulent I am concerned about her risk of heart disease." (Alex Kaseberg) 

Two surprising discoveries in a recent survey of Bhutan: a) 90 per cent of its people say they are happy; b) another 10 per cent say they are Leafs fans. (RJ Currie)

Two wild-card teams apiece for the AL and NL playoffs this year? If it had happened last year, then the Red Sox and Braves wouldn't have 'collapsed,' and they might still be drinking beer in the Boston clubhouse. (Len Berman)

Desperate Mets to attempt to play winning baseball in scheme to sell tickets. (Sports Pickle)

Saints coach Sean Payton, you might recall, blew out a knee last season when one of his players -- tight end Jimmy Graham -- barreled into him on the sideline during a game. You'll know the Saints' bounty system was totally out of control if they paid out on that one. (Dwight Perry)

The New York Mets could be paying for years after a judge ruled the team had to reimburse $83 million in ill-gotten gains from Bernard Madoff's Ponzi scheme. Big deal, say team accountants: Just think of it as having a second Bobby Bonilla deal on the books. (Dwight Perry)
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ATHLETES

Ryan Braun says he'd bet his life that an illegal substance was never in his body. Hey, maybe MLB can nail him for gambling. (Carl Steward)

Ryan Braun seems to be making a bid to be the A-Rod of the National League. Everytime he opens his mouth, something dumber comes out. Braun is now saying that the real story regarding his positive drug test and subsequent successful appeal hasn't been told. When asked if the 'real story' would ever be told, he responded, "I highly doubt it. They're probably not going to know too much more than they know now." Even A-Rod has learned that you can't spin these stories off like that, people aren't that stupid. (Chad Pisasner)

The NBA marked the fiftieth anniversary of Wilt Chamberlain's scoring one hundred points in a game. He wrote in his autobiography that he bedded ten thousand women. He scored a hundred points, and he scored with ten thousand women, and he did it all without federally funded contraception. (Argus Hamilton)

Peyton Manning with Colts Jim Irsay at his press conference about leaving: "It wasn't his decision. It wasn't my decision. Circumstances kind of dictated it," Sounds like if he retires from football Manning has a great future as a press secretary for some politician explaining their next divorce. (Janice Hough)

How to pay homage to Peyton Manning: At Starbucks this morning, I walked to the line and changed my drink order six times. (Eric Stangel)

Peyton Manning said he will make a decision about 2012 within a week. "You can do that?" responded Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

Peyton Manning met with the Denver Broncos today. It was reported that Tim Tebow was hanging around the Broncos' head offices and every time he Tebowed, Manning would grab his neck in pain. (Wendel Potter)

Thanks to Father Time and a season-canceling neck injury, Payton Manning has been released by the Colts as a free agent. The 14-season vet is reportedly taking his imposed retirement well. Brother Eli showed his sympathy by letting Payton rub his Super Bowl ring. (Bob Mills)

Tiger Woods was livid over revelations Tuesday that he nearly quit the PGA tour six years ago to join the Navy SEALs. It wouldn't have helped his slump. At this point in the match he'd be trailing the fellow who shot Osama bin Laden in the forehead by three holes. (Argus Hamilton)

Former MLB outfielder Lenny Dykstra was sentenced to three years in state prison for auto theft. Remember, this is all happening in California, so there's a good chance he'll be out by Thursday. (Jerry Perisho)

Former New York Met, Lenny Dykstra, was sentenced to three years in prison; he had the option to serve his time as the Mets batting coach, but he chose prison instead. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ndamukong Suh. commenting on the bounty situation: "Me personally, I don't take part in those things and knowing my teammates and knowing my coaches, we wouldn't allow that." Possible translation? "I like to stomp people for free." (Janice Hough)

Michael Jordon's Highland Park, Ill., home is for sale for $29 million. It has 19 bathrooms. Something is wrong when your house has more restroom facilities than the team's arena that you own. (Brad Dickson)

It's easier for Martina Navratilova to get into the Big Dance than a Pac-12 team. (Charlie Gay)

Rory McIlroy is now the world's No. 1 golfer, has earnings over $5.2 million in 2012 and is dating tennis star Caroline Wozniacki. If that's the luck of the Irish, I want some. (RJ Currie}

Some chatter because when ABC showed Lebron James on Sunday entering the Staples Center, James was carrying a large leather 'man-purse'. Well, at least Lebron didn't have a one-hour special showing him shopping for it. (Janice Hough)

A caged lion at a charity event reportedly urinated on Patriots wideout Chad Ochocinco. You catch only 15 passes in a season, and everyone is a critic. (Budd Bailey)

A lion does to Ochocinco what Ochocinco has done to sportsmanship, peed all over him. The Patriots receiver was out at a charity event with his reality star-fiance and the Jets Darrelle Revis when a caged lion seemingly mistook Chad for a urinal. Ocho tweeted repeatedly about the event saying, "Swear to lit'l 10 pound bearded baby Jesus I just got peed on by a real 'Lion' I'm not lying either. And y'all wonder why I don't go out!" (BR5)

Last week, former Cal QB Joe Ayoob broke a Guinness World Record by throwing a paper airplane 226 feet, 10 inches. Brett Favre tried to top him, but the airplane was intercepted and run back for a touchdown. (Janice Hough)

just saw a replay of Rick Nash scoring a game-winner for the Blue Jackets. I thought TSN said in February he was headed to the Flyers, Rangers, Canucks, Bruins I, Red Wings and Ducks. (RJ Currie)

Canadian tennis player Frank Dancevic reportedly will exchange vows with Miss Serbia runner-up Nikolina Bojic. Friends of Dancevic expect the service to have lots of breaks. (RJ Currie)

Japanese equestrian Hiroshi Hoketsu just qualified for the London Olympics at age 70. Japanese officials, however, have not yet decided if he will compete. But how many people would tune in just to hear him yell "You punks get off my field." (Janice Hough)

San Diego Chargers QB Philip Rivers just enthusiastically endorsed Rick Santorum for President. The NFL is reviewing tapes to see if the Saints or any other team gave him a particularly hard hit to the head. (Janice Hough) 

I just saw a replay of Rick Nash scoring a game-winner for the Blue Jackets. I thought TSN said in February he was headed to the Flyers, Rangers, Canucks, Bruins, Red Wings and Ducks. (RJ Currie)

Disgraced ex-New York Mets outfielder Lenny Dykstra, who pleaded no contest to grand theft auto and providing a false financial statement, has been sentenced to three years in a California state prison. Or as it's known in baseball circles, he's going yard. (Dwight Perry)

After winning gold at the world skeleton championships Katie Ulaender felt Bone tired. (Greg Cote)

Ryan Braun says he'd bet his life that an illegal substance was never in his body. Hey, maybe MLB can nail him for gambling. (Carl Steward)
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ENTERTAINMENT

There is an HBO movie coming out about the 2008 presidential election. Apparently John McCain is very unhappy with the way he was portrayed. He said he came across as a clueless and angry man. No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster. (Craig Ferguson)

A new Lifetime reality show titled "Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp," will "offer an insight into the life of the 21-year-old mother as she raises her 3-yr old son,", and "also focus on her relationship with her parents, Sarah and Todd Palin, and her siblings." In related news, Sarah Palin blasted the media for not leaving her family alone. (Janice Hough)

'The Snowtown Murders' opens in theaters. A 16 year old boy gets involved with a gang of killers. They teach him to text while driving. (Alan Ray)
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ENTERTAINERS

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver were seen shopping together. Apparently she said she wanted something Swedish made and Arnold was like, "Swedish maid?" (Craig Ferguson)

Kim Kardashian is being sued for $5 million for endorsing a diet pill that doesn’t work. That's weird — if there's anyone who's perfect to represent "not working," it's Kim Kardashian. (Jimmy Fallon)

There are ugly rumors, growing daily, that Whitney Houston did not as reported in the media die from a drug overdose but was murdered.  Wait, it gets even stranger. The prime suspect according to the conspiracy theorists is Andrew Breitbart. (Bob Mills)

A new book claims that John Lennon was bulimic. Yoko Ono denies this. She now admits that her husband's vomiting was directly related to her singing. (Wendel Potter)

Justin Bieber was a guest star on the "Ellen" show yesterday, and his appearance proved once and for all that when you have an older and very masculine person and a younger and very feminine person on the stage at the same time, magic happens. (Jerry W.)

Adele says she'll never sleep alone again in her new $11-million-dollar English mansion because it's haunted and she hears things "rattling around" in the middle of the night. Probably all those Grammys bumping together.  (Frank King) 

Snooki's boyfriend reportedly proposed to her. Apparently he said, "Will you make me the happiest man on." (Conan O'Brien)

Snooki is engaged to boyfriend Jionni Lavelle. She tried to writer her own vows. But the crayons kept breaking. (Alan Ray)

Multiple news sources are reporting that Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is pregnant. I read on Wikipedia that the average adult Snooki will give birth to a litter of between three and eight snooklets. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Snooki is pregnant! She's around 15 weeks along, or, as Snooki likes to say, "Around a month!" (Tim Hunter)

Snooki form “Jersey Shore” is expecting a baby and says she expects to get married. Just as soon as she figures out who the father really is. (Jim Barach)

Snooki has yet to confirm the rumor. I guess we'll know she's pregnant when the vodka breaks. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Snooki is pregnant. She's had so much alcohol in her life that if she breast feeds the baby the child will be able to follow in her mother's alcoholic footsteps at a very early age. (Steve Yeich)

News reporters say 'Jersey Shore' star Snooki is sporting something new and round on her finger. So, either she's engaged or she's got ringworm again. (Jerry Perisho
)
Snooki says in an US Magazine interview that she found out she was pregnant about a week after New Year's Eve, and that her first thought was, "'[Bleep], I've been drinking!'" Open note to the GOP, there are scarier things than birth control. (Janice Hough)

I see they made a movie about Cher’s body art: 'The Girl with the Draggin' Tattoo.' (Terry Etter)

Davey Jones said his young wife asked him if he wanted to run up stairs and make love. He told her: "At my age, it's going to be one or the other." (Will the Thrill)

Mad Men's Jon Hamm appears to be a big fat liar, claiming on The Late Show with David Letterman that he played baseball with Roger Clemens when they were both at the University of Texas. The only problem is, the two were never at the University of Texas together. When Hamm was a freshman, Clemens was already playing for the Red Sox. (BR5)
======================================

THE MEDIA

Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana -- conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to "you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson." Robertson said he never smoked pot and never will, and that just because something is "legal" doesn't mean we should do it. That's the argument I always use against pineapple on your pizza. (Craig Ferguson)

Maria Shriver reconciled with Arnold Schwarzenegger in L. A. Thursday. He slept with the maid in Maria's bed and had a son that went unnoticed for twelve years. Maria did not mind the adultery but it ruins her reputation at NBC News as an investigative reporter. (Argus Hamilton)
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THE INTERNET AND BLOGS

Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called 'Facebook'. (Alex Schubert)

A Frenchman is suing Google because the Street View shot of his house shows him swigging from a bottle of wine and urinating. The man is suing for invasion of privacy, Google is counter-suing for him being a silly French stereotype. (Alex Kaseberg)

This week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich. (Conan O'Brien)
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OTHER CELEBRITIES

With his family requesting a private funeral, the rest of the Monkees will not be attending Davy Jones service this weekend. They all agree, it would turn into a media circus, of course, complete with Monkees. (Tim Hunter)

Bristol Palin is getting her own reality show. It's being called "Who's More Annoying, Me or My Mom?" (Steve Yeich)

Ultra conservative, right-wing blogger Andrew Breitbart didn't get into Heaven. God Herself decided. Turns out, it is a woman's right to choose. (Bill Williams)

Last week we lost 94-year old Sol Schiff, better known to the world as "Mr. Table Tennis", having won many national and world table tennis championships in the 1930s.  Mr. Schiff was pronounced dead when his heart monitor failed to ping and registered a steady pong. (Wendel Potter)

A $366 million Powerball winner wants to remain anonymous. One clue might be that the school janitor who quit last week now drives three different Lamborghinis and is dating a Kardashian. (Neil Berliner)

Powerball Lottery officials announced Tuesday eighty-one year-old Rhode Islander Louise White won the lottery with a ticket she bought in Newport. Three hundred and sixty-four million dollars was won by an eighty-one-year-old woman. She is set for life. (Argus Hamilton)

What do you call a photo series of Miss July, Jessa Hinton, and nine other Playboy playmates 'Tebowing'? Ten of my favourite prayers. (RJ Currie)

Pahrnia Parsons, who plays field hockey for Canterbury, won the Miss Asia UK contest after entering to show her ex-boyfriend what he’s missing. She must be laughing her faceoff. (RJ Currie)
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EDUCATION

A Virginia school district has dropped a proposal that would ban cross dressing. The rule was suggested by teachers who wanted to make sure when they asked a student out on a date, that it was a girl. (Jim Barach)
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RELIGION

Evangelist Pat Robertson's newest cause is the legalization of marijuana. "I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol. I've never used marijuana and I don't intend to, but it's just one of those things that I think: this war on drugs just hasn't succeeded." Imagine what Rush Limbaugh's shows will be like when marijuana is added to his current mixture of drugs he consumes. (Stan Kegel)

Pat Robertson's theory on why all those devastating tornadoes hit the Midwest last week - not enough prayer: ""If enough people were praying [God] would’ve intervened. Wonder how many people it would take praying to have God get rid of Pat Robertson? (Janice Hough)
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HISTORY

The top five Shakespeare NBA quotes: 5. What's in a name? That which we call a Rose; 4. Thus conscience does make Howards of us all; 3. Though this be madness, yet there is method Lin it; 2. Kobe or not Kobe - that is the question; 1. O Rubio, Rubio! wherefore art thou Rubio? (RJ Currie)

Happy Birthday to the Oreo cookie, it is 100 today; that is one hundred years of being wrong if you don’t twist, scrape, dunk in milk and then eat. (Alex Kaseberg)
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CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The NRA backed bills in twelve states Tuesday allowing residents to carry handguns without permits. Talk about full circle. After a century of pinball games, then electronic games, then video games, bars can go back to quick-draw gunfights to attract customers. (Argus Hamilton)

This week, a 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world’s oldest newlyweds. They’re registered at Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond. n their wedding night, the sign on their door just said, "This is disturbing." (Jimmy Fallon)
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SURVEYS, POLLS & STUDIES

A survey says that kids use different kinds of media eight hours each day. Mostly because they watch something on TV, then text about it on their phone and get on the computer to put it on Facebook before they need to relax and play video games on the couch. (Jim Barach)

According to a recent Gallup poll, 32% of Americans consider Iran the most dangerous threat to America. In second place is North Korea.  Tied for third are China and BP. (Bob Mills)

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down. (Craig Ferguson) 

According to a recent poll, the happiest Americans live in Hawaii.  And why not?  Fleecing unsuspecting tourists by hanging flowers around their neck that they picked for nothing and selling them conch shells they found on the beach while wearing free clothes they made out of grass. (Bob Mills)

According to the survey, one of the unhappiest professions is people in the media. I know, because we're insecure pieces of crap who whine into our lattes when something doesn't go our way. (Craig Ferguson)   

A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.
The U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever. America hasn't embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened. -   (Conan O'Brien) 

A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV. (Conan O'Brien)

A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can't believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone. (Craig Ferguson)
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OTHER

Zookeepers in Sapporo, Japan, say taiko drum music has failed to get Susu—a rare Chinese alligator -- interested in having sex with her mate. And take it from me, playing the xylophone won't work either. (RJ Currie)

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1 Responses to “Largest List Of Funny Jokes in the World -Top 1000 Funny Jokes”

Juliya said...
April 4, 2012 at 10:41 AM

Nice collection that was funny. Thanks for sharing.


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